As a mother of two, I always feel guilty I’m not doing enough. Are they eating properly? Do their shoes provide the right support? Are they hitting their milestones on time? It doesn’t matter what I’m doing right. My mind whizzes through all the possibilities of potential disasters. And when I get it wrong, hoo boy. It’s like the pit of hell has dug out a hole in my heart, and the devil is hosting a barbecue. It’s what I knew all along. I am a failure.

I’m not alone. In preschool waiting areas, WhatsApp groups, supermarkets and school admission lines, there are mothers who constantly feel guilty. Guilt is our most commonly shared emotion.  

Why do mothers feel guilty all the time

Guilt is a mother’s frequent companion. Doing it right is rarely sufficient for us, and the smallest mistake is enough to send us on a guilt trip. And people around you rarely miss an opportunity to send you to guilt-land.

Pressure from unsolicited forces

The media, society and our mothers are quick to point out our shortcomings. Everyone & his uncle has an opinion on your parenting. And there are constant comparisons drawn between your parenting skills and another mother’s as well as your child with hers.

If you don’t follow traditional practices, you’re a terrible mother. If you do and your child gets an eye infection, you’re a terrible mother. You offer your child chocolate, you’re irresponsible. You stop someone else from giving them candy, you’re unnecessarily strict. You’re damned if you do. Damned if you don’t.

Unrealistic expectations

We, women, are expected to be aware of every baby-related issue, whether it’s baby gears, school admissions or vaccines.  Even every known and unknown facet of childcare. A mom should outsmart Wikipedia (sometimes we moms are also the culprit; we want to be Google)!

I once placed a cursory call to a renowned play-school about admission. I’m told, “You should’ve registered when you were pregnant. What kind of mother are you?’ The kind that is very tempted to call that same play-school and ask, “Hey, my husband and I are considering having unprotected intercourse in the future. Can we have one admission form, please?”

Only mothers feel guilty about everything

Women are socially conditioned to be the primary caregivers. When it comes to childcare, every worry, every detail is usually a mother’s headache! And we beat ourselves up when we miss the mark, even by a fraction.

Fathers don’t go through this. My husband changes one diaper, and people throw him a celebratory parade. He watches the kids, and when I return, he’s holding a ‘father of the year’ plaque. Don’t get me wrong. He is a fantastic father. But sometimes, after a day of running between two energetic children, wiping their noses and bums, feeding them, cleaning off the spit-out food off my clothes and repeatedly singing till they pass out, it would be nice if someone threw a little confetti my way.

Common guilt issues that mothers face

Mom guilt can be triggered by the minutest of things (we have all been there). But there some commonly occurring situations when feeling guilty is almost a given for moms.

When you can’t breastfeed

If you’ve tried your hardest, but it’s just not happening, let it go. Yes, it is very important to breastfeed your child, but a happy child and a happy mother are what matters more. Many children have been bottle fed and have grown up to be healthy and well adjusted. Yours will too.

When you start working

Some people will tell you shouldn’t work because your children need you. Others will say you should find a job to set a good example for them. There is no right or wrong here. A happy mother raises a happy child. If staying at home with your child gives you joy, proudly wear the SAHM badge. If working gives you fulfilment, go for it.

When you have fun without your children

Motherhood is not a life sentence. The fun doesn’t stop when the baby pops out. Movies, dinners and parties continue to happen. Time spent away from your kids will help regain your sanity. It doesn’t imply bad parenting. You are merely recharging your batteries.

When mistakes happen

You forgot to brush your kid’s teeth once. Your daughter fell when you weren’t looking. You lost your child for ten minutes at the mall. No one is perfect. Beating yourself over every little error will make motherhood unbearable. Get up, dust yourself off and just start again.

When you spend money on yourself

Every rupee you earn does not have to go into the higher education fund. See a pair of shoes you like? Feel like getting your nails done? What are you waiting for? You do not cease to become a person just because you’re a mother. Take care of yourself too.

When you hate being a mother

Being a mom is hard. It’s overwhelming. Very often, you’ll reach the end of your rope. At that moment, cry it out. Don’t be fooled by other moms’ perfect photos on social media. All moms experience desperation, exasperation and anger. You’ll get through it. It does not mean you love your children any less.

Overcoming the mommy guilt

“There’s no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a good one.” ~Jill Churchill

Mom guilt is like a reflex. Maybe to some extent, it helps us become better caregivers. But for the sake of our child and our well-being, we need to learn to overcome it.

Let’s support each other

So all mothers who are reading this, instead of being in the guilt-verse, let’s band together. We need to start acknowledging that we are the best mothers for our kids. No one else can do the job better. The next time you feel horrid about yourself, or feel those guilty pangs swirling inside, come here for a bit of encouragement.

Negative outcomes of guilt

It is okay to feel guilty once in a while! It’s like a reflex. But constant fretting over what you’re doing wrong will hamper your relationship with your children. Your little one will pick up on your negative emotions and even imbibe them without knowing. Worse still, your child may start blaming himself for your predicament. Imagine how that will impact his self-worth.

Every day, your child wakes up happy, healthy with bright shining eyes, remember, you did that. Acknowledge it.

Conclusion

There will always be an overbearing aunty offering unsolicited advice. There will still be guilty pangs every time someone or something makes you feel inadequate as a mother. Shut them out. You’re the mother. You’re in charge. Anybody else can take a long walk off a short pier.